Day 1: 27 Days Until D-Day... Caution The Truth Can Hurt

   Where has all the time gone? So much has happened as it does when time passes. Good, bad, indifferent, and just plain ole life.

    But the time has come to make another pact with myself. Commit to creating my own happiness, and never wavering. The good thing about blogging is it keeps me honest, people who follow although I've got maybe 3 (btw I love you 3) I feel like I have the opportunity to inspire and hell I've got to follow through or I look like a chump. 

So I'm putting it all on the line. Or I'm left in yet another vicious cycle of I'll start tomorrow as each waking day becomes tomorrow and never do I actually start. 

Here's where I put up the caution sign. I live my life by my truths. I wear my heart on my sleeve and so it's absolutely necessary for me to be real and raw without sugar coating my existence. My sensitivity will either strike a followers nerve one or two ways. 

  One, you'll feel exactly what I write about. Get it even if you've never experienced it. 

  Or two you'll judge me. Both of which are part of my existence in life. But this is about me. This is where I get to be selfish and share with you my experience. A window in which I'm allowing you to gaze in. I do have humor so don't worry my cautionary tale will have humor.  Even just writing gaze in I thought gays in and giggled a bit to myself. If it weren't for my humor I'd be as dead as my brother and that's a stone cold fact. 

   And if it weren't for my faith in god I wouldn't have the strength to get back up everytime I'm slammed down to rock bottom and be the warrior in life I am. I absolutely believe god has a purpose for me in life even though I haven't figured out just what that is. Yes I'm that conceited at times! I believe I have a purpose while on earth. 

So let's get down to business. My troubles:

   My mind, body, heart, and soul are not aligned. I need them to be in order to be a good person. In order to exist in peace.

   In order to be happy. In order to be the best girlfriend, daughter, sister, niece, cousin, aunt, friend, and care giver. It's essential for me to have this alignment and I can't stress that enough. 

   I've read enough self help books to be wise enough to realize (real eyes see real lies... Thank you tupac) I need to write out goals. Give them real time tables and tell others (you guys) in order to keep myself honest and to follow through. 

Here are my goals for 27 straight/gay days:

~Read everyday a minimum of a chapter. A book a week would be ideal. 

~Run for an hour everyday. 21miles a week would be a good start. 

~Weight training everyday. Switch off muscle groups everyday. 

~Practice visualization every morning before my feet hit the floor and I start my day. 

~Positive affirmations. Start out with 5 a day for a week. 

~Write a gratitude list a minimum of 10 things I'm grateful for everyday.

~Make someone smile everyday. It's important to always think of others. What if your the only one to make someone smile that particular day. 

~Get back into yoga. It helps me across the spectrum of my life. Mentally, physically, and spiritually. 

~Hand write a letter to a different person once a week thanking them for how they've helped my life. 

~Use this blog as my daily journal. It is a way to face my vulnerabilities, my short comings, and to accept feed back in order to grow into the person I so desire to be. 

Most importantly who do I want to be and the reason for this emergent need to change...

I want to be the love of someone's life. I want to be strong physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

I want to inspire others the way so many inspire me. I want to be a person of integrity, morals, ethics, compassion, and empathy... Rolled up into laughter and sincerity. A friend everyone would like to have. 

I want to share my resilence and strength with those who need it. Help the weak to get stronger and to always be there for others. No excuses! 

And most importantly I want those close to me to always feel love, safety, and my accountability. There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. 

I want to live life to the fullest. Travel, see the world, be comfortable in my skin, and to be remembered for my heart and soul and not my face or body. 

Day 1: No Excuses!!!!!!!

My Beautiful Brother's Suicide

    

    Some people are fortunate enough to coast through life without tragedy. Losing a grandparent or distant relative to age or cancer. And I do believe those are still painful loses. But when Danny committed suicide I can safely tell you nothing compares to the pain of losing him.

    I would welcome being burned all over again and it's entire process if it ment bringing my beautiful brother back. Danny didn't have tell, tell signs of depression. He was a strong man with a stoic demeanor. That's what makes his death that much harder. Family and friends who've lost loved ones to suicide know all to well the sickening feeling that you would literally do or give anything to have had that person know how loved, important and fucking special they are. And we'll NEVER EVER get that opportunity. We never knew the pain they quietly carried. 

    It was a pretty average shift in the emergency department where I worked on January 12, 2011. I was working a swing shift three thirty to midnight. It was busy and I hadn't had time to check my phone for awhile. But when I did, I saw several texts from my sisters. "Call me it's important. Lisa call me now. Lisa call me it's Danny."  Just as I began to call, my sister called my work on the other line. 

    I asked her "what's going on your freaking me out." "Lisa Danny's dead. He took his life." In that very same moment like a one two punch I hit my knees. Little did I know I would be on my knees often for the next 4 years. Never mind the movies of watching someones heart break or what the pain of a break up feels like. This was literally like someone reached inside my chest ripped my heart out stripping me of my soul along the way and dissolving everything of great importance to me in one swoop. 

    My co workers who were more like family then co workers gathered me up and took me to a room. I kept trying to call Danny. Of course he didn't answer his phone. This had to be the sickest most fucked up joke ever played. But I felt different like I sensed the world was different now. Empty. My best friend happened to be working the same shift and was on his lunch break. My co workers found him and I'll never forget just collapsing into his arms begging him to tell me this was not true. 

    That was the only time and last time someone just held me while I cried uncontrollably, uninhibited, and vulnerably. I was officially broken and hard to love which has proven to be an understatement. How could my beautiful, smart, strong, driven brother be dead at his own hands? Questions that will never be answered.  A war had just commenced within me and the only way to win, little did I know was to surrender. 

    The first time in yoga I said "om" with my hands together in the middle of my chest, next to my greatest adversary; my heart, I felt a resurgence. Not like a jump up in the air and heel click. This was far more profound. It felt like we could join forces. We could be unstoppable together. And that together we could truly be at peace. We were after all joined in this journey together in one vessel. My heart was finally my friend. And perhaps Danny was with me that very moment when I discovered that. 

    

Phoenix Rising

     In the past 8 years I've survived being burned, my brothers suicide, and divorce. This is my journey through life. This is my personal account of how I've used my challenges to rise from the ashes. The struggles, the highs, the lows, and the in between. Most importantly, how reading, running, yoga, and reading more have helped me to begin healing and how it lead to the discovery of my "Personal Legend." My awakening.
     After I was burned something happened within me. My soul came to life. I felt different. I began to perceive things differently. People weren't just acquaintances or strangers. They became part of my life experience. Each person attributed to my personal growth. My observations of others became heightened. And while I've always been a sensitive being, I have come to accept I will never have thick skin, and I must embrace wearing my heart on my sleeve as a gift and not a curse. Some label my inquisitive mind and deeper thinking as philosophical. I prefer to use layman's terms. Thoughtful. My self-searching is completely driven on the basis of how I can better help others. Along the way altruism innately cycles back around. I believe this to be a facet of the universe.            
     Giving of ones self freely is one of the most liberating experiences you can do within your life time. It is life changing. It can be as simple as holding a door into a store 10 seconds longer so that the stranger 7 feet away makes it through the threshold without a door shutting in there face. It can be a dollar for a vet on a street corner or simply listening to someone without interrupting. I had a lot of time in the burn unit at night when all my visitors had left to evaluate my life. From what I had not done with my life, to what I always wanted to do, and who I wanted to be. More then anything I wanted to get back to taking care of and helping others. I had a drive within me I thought was unstoppable. After all I had survived being on fire. 

    Life is not obligated to be perfect and flaw free. Nor is time. Both do not have morals or ethics. Feelings or emotions. It literally took the discovery of reading, running, yoga, and reading more to come to terms with this. Because although my soul was alive thanks to being burned; I now faced the challenges of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, physically regaining the use of my burned body parts, and facing the emotions of a person who seemed to have lived the first 26 years of her life half alive set on cruise control. 

    I had no idea what the future held but I was destined to find more heartache, more pain, and more destruction in order to reach the state in which I am in at life now. Every nanometer of the suffering I went through was worth the peace I feel today. It was especially worth it if my story helps even one person. 

     It was a decision I made on February 1st, 2015. I walked into my first yoga studio. It nearly brought me to tears. I had read many of the books on the shelves. I recognized the different deities and religious representations. The calming, peaceful atmosphere felt as though it spoke directly to my soul as if to say "welcome home."         Finally I had found serenity. The class itself nurtured my soul. It solidified my decision. I absolutely found my calling. I found "my personal legend." My entire life had led me to this point. This is how I can help others like myself find peace. Find help to heal traumas, physical and emotional pain, and to rise from the ashes just like I have.